Erap: Hanggang ngayon galit pa ang simbahan sa akin. This is unfair.
Cardinal: Why did you say that?
Erap: Mayroong Sabado de GLORIA, Sagrado de CORAZON, at Domingo de RAMOS. Bakit ako wala??? Eh, I was also a President!
Cardinal: (after a careful thought): OK, from now on, yours is ASS Wednesday!
Erap dreamed that he died and went to heaven. St. Peter gave him Ai-ai delas Alas as partner, saying, 'Kung mabait ka sana, mas maganda ang partner mo.' Erap saw Chavit with Gretchen Barretto and said, 'Bakit si Chavit, mas madaming kasalanan, si Gretchen ang partner?'
St. Peter: Iho, parusa yan kay Gretchen.
Why did Erap shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: 'Execute all 3 copies together with your wife...'
Ano ang nagpasikat kay Erap? Wristband.
Ano ang magpapayaman kay Abalos? Broadband.
Ano ang magpapabagsak kay GMA? Husband!
Pari nagmimisa: Sino sa inyo ang may kagalit??
Taas kamay lahat pwera sa isang matandang babae.
Pari: Si lola lang ang walang kagalit... ano edad nyo lola??
Lola: 93 anyos.
Pari: Tingnan nyo si lola. 93 na pero walang kagalit!! Lola bakit wala kayong kagalit???
Lola: PATAY na ang mga WALANGHIYA!! !
Atty: Ano?? Idedemanda mo boss mo ng sexual harrassment! Dahil lang sa sinabihan kang mabango ang buhok mo! Ano masama dun?
Girl: Your honor, UNANO!!! Ang boss ko.. UNANO!!!
Anak: Tay penge pera, bili ako ng sucherya!!!
Tatay: Umayos ka nga!!! Kakahiya ka!! Baka may makarinig. Hindi sucherya tawag dun...
Anak: Ano po??
Tatay: JUMPFUDS!!!
Juan: Tay! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.
Tatay: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!
Juan: Paano?
Tatay: KANG GUD!
Juan: Pare, nasusuka ko kaya lang hindi ako masuka.
Pedro: Madali lang yun pare, sundutin mo tonsil mo.
(sinundot ang tonsil)
Juan: Hindi pa din, eh.
Pedro: Try mong sundutin puwet mo.
(sinundot ang pwet)
Juan: Ayaw pa din, eh.
Pedro: Ngayon saka mo isundot ulit sa bibig mo.
A mental patient singing while lying in a hospital bed, after a song dumapa siya.
The nurse asked: O bakit ka bumaliktad?
He answered: Adik ka ba??? Side B na kaya!!!
Job interview
Boss: Why should we hire you?
Tikyo: Mas mabuti po ang bagong tulad ko dahil wala pang sungay.
Boss: English, please.
Tikyo: Well, you see, uh, I'm brand new so I'm not yet horny!
BF: Sunduin kita mamaya, bubusina nalang ako kapag nasa harap na ng bahay nyo.
GF: Ok sige, anong dala mong sasakyan?
BF: Wala, busina lang.
Pinoy coping mechanism at work!
A: Magkano po ang tinola?
M: 20 lang.
A: May sabaw?
M: Libre na ang sabaw namin.
A: Kanin, meron?
M: 5 lang.
A: May tutong?
M: Libre na.
A: Sige manong, tutong at sabaw nga!
Great signs!
1. Gynaecologist - Dr. Chua at your cervix.
2. Septic tank truck - Yesterday's meals on wheels.
3. Plumber's office - We repair what your husband fixed.
4. Tire shop - Invite us to your next blow-out.
5. Electrical shop - Let us remove your shorts.
6. Maternity room door - Push, push, push!
7. Optometrist' s clinic - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Inspirational quote that we must always remember:
Kung kaya ng iba… pagawa mo sa kanila...
Don’t force yourself.. make your life easy!!!
Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: Mali.
Pare: Amiable?
Bobo: Mali pa rin.
Pare: O, sige, sirit na nga.
Bobo: Anest.
Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin, chicharon, mani.
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).
Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka. P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang ba nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.
Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.
A naked girl rode on a taxi.
'Bakit' asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan nya.
'Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?'
Driver: 'Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo'.
Beauty contest
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs.
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!
Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig.
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na.
Katulong: Kasi, ok, lang kung right lig or left lig lang po?? Pero bakit naman butligs pa.....
Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of kangkong. Fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?
SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao... 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress: Kasi po, may itlog sa loob.
Three reasons why laughing is good for your health:
1. Your heart - laughing lowers your blood pressure while increasing the amount of oxygen carried in your blood.
2. Your lungs - a deep belly laugh is like an internal aerobic workout, helping you breath more efficiently.
3. Your anxiety level - laughing lowers levels of the stress hormone cortisone, reducing tension. So take time to laugh even at the corniest joke.
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